My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
