What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
