I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
