i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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