Please, let me fuck your mom
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
