i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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