3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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