It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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