Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize