Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
