it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
