Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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