did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
