I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's shark week go big or go home
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
