Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
