my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize