good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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