I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
