Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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