He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
