Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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