I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
