We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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