if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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