How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
