Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
