Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
