I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
