I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
