Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
