you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
