Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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