Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
