My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
