I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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