we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
