Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Im part way to drunk.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Text me some of your sweat
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
