So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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