I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
There r osticjed everywhere
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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