i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
