I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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