is your mom at the bar?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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