I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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