Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize