She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
