Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
and you fell through a lawn chair
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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