So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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