I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
