At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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