I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
