So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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