I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
