her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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