Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
