Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
