my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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